The House I Thought Built Me Part 2

The thought of leaving everything behind for a second time in my life. The first time I didn't have a choice as it was my parents house and they were the ones selling the house but this house was mine. All I had to do was say no and that would be that and I could stay in the comfort of this house we've been in for the past 5 years. I was at a point where my dreams were pulling me to say yes but my anxiety and nerves would pulling me to say no. 

The day came that we finally had to say goodbye to our first house. I walked each room at a time and took a few minutes in each and just took in all the memories in each room. Our first Christmas in our living room, watching Jake put up our real Christmas tree and Roxy getting all concerned about what he was doing. Sitting on our couch talking about having babies and how many we wanted and names we liked. The Christmas that didn't feel like Christmas at all because we had just lost our first baby a few weeks prior, that we had a tree but it didn't have any ornaments on it but it was one of the best Christmases ever. Bringing Sawyer home and snuggling him on our couch and staring at him with all the awe and amazement in the world. Looking at Sadie and Sawyer's rooms, both which were Jake and I's room at one point in the 5 years. The tears that were shed in Sadie's room just after losing our first baby. Sitting in the rocking chair sobbing telling Jake how much I wanted our baby back. Sitting in the same rocking chair in Sawyer's room nursing him for the first time and introducing the dogs to him for the first time. Laughing at all the silly things Sawyer and Jake would do playing in his room. 

The kitchen always just seemed like a normal kitchen, then standing there for the last time I remembered our first thanksgiving in that kitchen. No clue how we fit everyone in there and cooked all our food but it was one of the most memorable thanksgivings. The late night card games with Jake's brother and his wife. Opening our bottle of wine for our first anniversary at the kitchen table and enjoying candle light dinners. The kitchen was probably the room that held some of the most memories. I couldn't believe all the memories that came rushing back when I was standing there for the last time. 

When we were just about to hand over the keys I quick asked our neighbor to come take our picture in front of the house. We went on our way after the picture was taken, handed over the keys to the new owners and drove off. Tears streamed down my face as we pulled away from the house. I was so excited to have our new place and be moving in but I couldn't imagine another family living in our first house. Why is it so hard for us to accept change? Later after we got to our new home I was looking through the pictures our neighbor took in front of our old house and noticed there was a rainbow above us. No way was that a coincidence, that was our first baby with us. We had everything we needed in our one picture. I couldn't believe how perfect this picture was to take to our new house.

Pulling up to our house for the very first time was an indescribable feeling. It had a feeling of fresh start to it. A feeling of new beginnings, new traditions, new adventures and amazing memories to come. All the sadness of our old house went away. Moving into this house gave me a feeling I never got when we moved into our first house. It was a feeling of comfort and hope. I remember a few months after we moved in, it was Spring (we moved in during early September), I was outside walking through the landscaping looking at all the beautiful spring flowers coming up. Looking at the cows that were in the backyard and the rolling hills that are to our west and all the memories of my childhood house, and our first house came flooding back. As I walked around our land I realized that all those feelings were with me here in this new house.

Let me take a step back just a minute. When we were in our old house I worked from home from the time I was pregnant with Sawyer until about a week or two before Sadie was born. One day my dad had sent me this in a text.

I didn't totally understand what this meant until,they were on vacation in Hawaii a few weeks later. I was still struggling with postpartum depression pretty bad, especially on the days that I had to work. When I would work during the day my mom would work at my parents house and then when I would work at night, Jake would watch Sawyer at home. But for some reason when my parents were gone I felt like I needed to go to their house and work, so we would pack everything up and Jake and Sawyer would watch TV and play downstairs while I worked upstairs. My parents weren't even home at this point, but being at their house was comfort to me. 


Now back to what I was saying about all those feelings coming back. I realized that in all that time, when I was unsure about change and leaving behind the memories and all security that was held in the last two houses I had been in were always with me. It wasn't the house that built me, and it was the memories held in those places and the people I shared them with. 

Once I realized that it wasn't the actual houses that had built me, I had a whole new perspective on moving. Yes those houses held so many memories for me but that's exactly what they were, memories. The reason why I felt so comfortable in my parents house even when they weren't home and it wasn't the house I grew up in was because it was my parents house.  Yes, I still get teary eyed when I drive past the last 2 houses I lived in, and all the memories come rushing back like someone broke down a damn of water, but then I realize that I still have all the people from the memories and that is what built me. My family. The family I grew up with and built in those houses are what built me into the women I am today. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has these feelings from time to time, or has a hard time when it comes to possibly putting their house up for sale because it holds so much comfort and security, but we all have to remember that even when we walk out those doors for one last time those memories are coming with you. You will create new memories that will form security.  

Dear Lord,
Please be with those who are going through a hard phase of life, in leaving one chapter or house behind and moving onto the next.  Let them know that it is not the physical things that have created them ready for what they're going to face next. Settle their heart and their anxieties of change. Be with them each step of their walk into the next chapter, keep them still and soak in the change even when it can be difficult to do. Hear their prayer when things become difficult and walk beside them.  I pray they know they're not alone, and that everything they feel with change is normal. I pray they reach to you when they feel like they cannot let go of the past and that they lean on you and put it all in your hands. 
Amen.

xo,
Brittany