This time before even talking to those colleges I sat down with my pastor and mentor who really walked me through making the right decision of where to go and how to start. He showed me how to look at this whole process and to take it in steps. After talking with him a few different times I felt like I had everything figured out for the most part of where I wanted to go, and what actual field I wanted teach in. Going to CC was the right decision as I would be able to be a mom and a wife, while going to school. I would be able to take night classes, or online classes and still hold up my jobs of being a wife and mom as well. I got everything set back up with CC and everything was moving forward great, until the day I was told that my financial aid that would have covered all my classes for the year wasn't approved because of what happened 6+ years ago. I went through the proper steps of appealing this so I could get my financial aid and was written a letter of recommendation. But that was also denied. Their reasoning was because my letter wasn't from an actual Dr. and was from my pastor instead (which wasn't noted it couldn't be from but because Anxiety was listed as an issue they wanted a Dr. letter...this is a story for a different time that still ruffles my feathers when I think about it.)
I was coming down to hours before tuition needed to be paid before they would charge me even if I wasn't going to attend. I held my spot with a deposit for a payment plan even though the payments weren't something we could afford but it gave us more time to figure out exactly what we were supposed to do.
In between the time of putting the deposit down and when classes started/the first payment was due, we had Sawyer's open house for school. We went and met with his teacher again, and met some of the kids that would be in his class. We found where his mailbox was and his hook for his backpack. That's when it hit me, and it hit me so hard I left his school with tears in my eyes.
When we walked in to find his hook, I noticed a shoe box on the shelf above that said Tuesday/Thursday Room Parent. That's when I made the decision that even though jumping through all the hoops I had done this summer to go to CC that coming fall was frustrating and time consuming, and that the pull from God to go back to school was the strongest pull to do anything I had ever felt, he was telling me that it wasn't my time. I left feeling so confused and scared.
Why did God use so many different ways to push me and tell me to go back to school and be a teacher, when I now feel him telling me to slow down, and to not go back right now? My anxiety sky rocketed for about a week. I sat down with Jake one night and explained him (literally the night before classes started officially) and told him that I decided I wasn't going to go back to school yet. He was confused at first. He knew how excited I was to go back, and how much I wanted this. He knew that I had always wanted to be a teacher and to hear me say again that I was putting this on hold confused him so much. He was worried I wasn't putting my needs/wants first. He was worried I was pushing something I wanted to the back burner yet again especially since having kids. I assured him this wasn't the case. I explained to him the feeling that over came me when I saw the shoe box that said Room Parent. Most would call it, FOMO (fear of missing out) but it felt like more than that to me. Before I ever wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be the mom who did the room parties and went on field trips with their kids. I wanted to be involved in their sports as a team parent. So when I saw that box everything seemed to be impossible at that point. If I went back to school now, there was no way I would be able to maintain good grades while being a room parent, a regular mom, and a wife. Jake said he knew he would be having to pick up a lot of the slack but it wasn't even that. I felt that is if I went down the path of going to school right now, I wouldn't be able to be the mom I always wanted to be. Even if I wasn't the actual room parent, I wanted to be able to go on the field trips and help in the classroom parties if needed be. I didn't want to have to ask someone else to join Sawyer on these things or have him not have a parent there.
I know there are plenty of working moms who aren't able to make all the parties or field trips and I know that they struggle with this all the time, and I feel for them. I'm not sure how they do what they do because there is no way, I could have been a successful working mom.
So for me to be the mom I always wanted to be, I needed to say no to school at this point and time. I went and canceled my classes just in time to not have to be charged for the semester. The moment I hit the button to submit my cancellation of classes I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. I felt like all the worry I had about missing the first few years of my kids in school was gone. I was going to be to be part of everything I wanted to be part of. I knew there was a way for me to be a "teacher" without going to school right now and getting the degree as a teacher.
The biggest reason I wanted to be come a teacher is because I wanted to be able to impact kids lives like I had a few teachers impact mine. Not on the academic level but on a personal level. I was already involved being a small group leader to K/1 at church once a month so that was just another place I realized I could be making an impact.
Not a day that I walk into Sawyer's school and see the older kids classes with teachers walking around checking work do I sit and feel my heart sink of knowing that's what I want to do. I defiantly know now even after this much time it really wasn't my time to go back to school and become a teacher. Being able to go on the field trips with Sawyer, and be a part of his class parties, and watching his face when he sees me come. While also now having Sadie going into speech therapy at least once a week at a different school and being able to take the time and be with her through that and get her the help she needs I now see God's hand in telling me to slow down, and that I was getting ahead of his plan for me. I can always go back to school, but I cannot get these years back with my kids.
Some of you might then ask, why wouldn't you maybe home school your kids? That way you can be a teacher, and you get to spend that time with your kids. Honestly it was a huge toss up. I wanted to before I even had Sawyer. I thought the teacher in me was being pushed to home school our kids maybe at least for the first few years because it was in my bones. To this day I still go back and forth about homeschooling in the future. Part of why I didn't with Sawyer is actually quite funny. I bought learning place mats on Amazon and he argued with me what they were for when he got them, and at that moment I realized he needed someone else to be his educational teacher. I am still his teacher at home in every other way of life, but in the basics of school he needed to be taught by someone else. Sawyer also needed the socialization that school brought to him. Sadie on the other hand I probably could home school as she's a totally different kid than Sawyer. Although now that we are putting her in speech, and know she is some what delayed in her speech, school is the best thing for her to help increase her words and how she talks. Also call me a softy, but as much as I would want to home school my kids, now that Sawyer specifically has been in school, has created a best friend (who he talks about almost daily) and watching him blossom in his school, there is no way I would be able to pull him out of school and home school him now. Same reason I have a hard time thinking about ever moving out of our house/school district or switching from Private to Public until they are all grown or want to switch. Yes its preschool, but knowing it would be different kids, and just different school staff that he doesn't know worries me on how he would handle it. Maybe its because I know how I would even at a young age, maybe its because I'm worried my anxiety would be passed down to him genetically or emotionally, but that's all also another topic for another day.
So until I feel God is calling me to actually go back to school, and I mean actually go back and take classes and get my degree, but just taking the steps to go back, I'm going to sit back and enjoy all these years God is blessing me with and taking in each moment at a time so I can look back on these days and say, "I did exactly what God had called me to do."
Dear Lord,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stay home with my children and the chance to be a part of their school activities and sports when the day comes. Please be the with mommas out there that are struggling daily with what you are calling them to do and balancing what you have called them to do and being where their children need them too. If it's working and trying to be at all the kids events, or if it is being home with the kids, but having to tend to other children making it hard to attend things they would like to for their children. Please be with the mommas out there that are trying to figure out what you are calling them to do, if it is something as big as going back to school, while having little ones at home, or if it's as small as deciding to be a room parent for their child's class. Be with the parents who want to be home full time with their kids, but financially cannot. Be with the single parents who are trying to balance it all, some have work and kids, some have school, work and kids. Please let all of them know you are with them, and they are not walking their journey alone. I pray they put their trust in you. In Jesus name,
Amen.
xo,
Brittany
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