Prior to everything going into shutdown mode, I was stressed out about having baby girl. I was worried about who would be watching the 3 other kids, when would I go into labor, would labor go okay, most of your basic end of pregnancy worries. As time drew near for my due date the more anxious I got about everything. The one thing that wasn't on my mind was the sickness that was going around. I really wasn't too worried about catching anything as there weren't many cases in my area nor did I go out much other than to kids school and pick up groceries once a week (if Jake didn't bring it home for me).
The week and a half before my due date I started to have contractions pretty regularly. I was having them from Tuesday to Saturday. I went in on Wednesday night to see if it was causing me to progress, even though I knew in the back of my mind it probably was just a false alarm. Sure enough I got in, was checked and I was still dilated to only 3 cm as I was Monday at my appointment. Of course Saturday was the last day I had contractions. Little did I know when I went in Wednesday would be the last time I had a chance of having my family there with me. That next day I took Sawyer to school, and was talking with his teacher and another mom about everything that was going on. Talking about everyone running to the grocery stores in panic and buying up all the toilet paper (still not sure why toilet paper of all things!) and we were talking about the possibility of school closing down. Later that night all schools were shut down for 3 weeks, starting Monday March 16...my DUE DATE, not only were schools closed starting that day, hospitals were changing their visitor policies to no visitors, besides maternity they could have 2, but no child under the age of 12 was aloud in the hospitals. I was really starting to freak out because my kids weren't going to be able to come to the hospital and meet their new baby sister after she was born. I had this vision in my head of all 3 kids coming to the hospital and getting certain pictures of them with the baby and all of that was coming crashing down without any way to fix it. Monday when I had my 39 week appointment, the kids weren't even aloud to come into the office with me. They had to stay in the car with someone while I went in. I thought for sure going in at 39 weeks and getting my membranes stripped I would be sent into labor within a few days. I was also crossing my fingers since my dr was at the hospital all that week. The end of pregnancy is a mental game, and then when you add other things like contractions on and off, and then the hopes of membrane strip to hopefully work adds more mental stress. Week 39 came and went. When it came time for my 40 week appointment I knew the kids couldn't come in with me, but I wanted Jake with me as I didn't know what they would say about induction, and when they would be doing my non stress test and my 40 week ultrasound, and I wanted Jake there with me through it. We walked in and I was told I wasn't aloud to have even Jake in the office with me. Of course right away my mind started to race. Was this the start of the hospital changing their visitor protocol yet again, and that I wasn't going to be able to even have Jake with me?
My dr was going to be on call that coming weekend so she was going to put me on the schedule for that coming Sunday. She was hoping that they wouldn't bump me as it was only one day before I became "medical" induction not elective. That week was the longest week ever. It felt like it was forever away. Eventually Saturday came, and I hadn't heard anything about being moved to Monday or later so I had hope Sunday was going to be my day. I called the hospital to see when I could prepare for a phone call on Sunday, and make sure Sunday really was going to be my day. They said they were super busy at that time with people coming in and "being" in labor so unless they had a ton of discharges over the night I could plan on a call around mid afternoon, to go about my night/ day and let the other kids sleep in their beds one more night before they headed to my parents.
Sure enough I couldn't get my body to sleep or rest that night which I figured was okay, because I figured I wasn't going to be getting a phone call at 5 am for a 7 am induction (How my hospital works for inductions is you can get a call pretty much anytime the day you're supposed to be induced starting at 5 am, and you have 2 hours to get there if you cannot make that time slot they call you back when another one has opened up.) I cleaned the bathroom, and some other small little things that I knew needed to be done, that I wouldn't be able to get to for awhile after having the baby. I laid down with Jake around 10 pm and I couldn't fall asleep. My body was restless even though I was really tired. I went in to take a bath around 11:30 hoping that would relax me enough to get me to fall asleep. Finally I was able to fall asleep at about 12:45. I figured I would be able to sleep in a little before I'd be getting a phone call.
Well that sleeping in, didn't happen. 5 am came way too fast. My phone started going off waking me out of a dead sleep, sure enough it was a nurse from the hospital telling me they discharged a lot of people last night and had an opening for a 7:30 am induction. I texted my parents to let them know what was going on, jumped in the shower and quick ate something so we could get to the hospital on time.
Once we got to the hospital we were asking a bunch of questions about how health and why we were there. We finally made it up to our room and got settled in. I wasn't fully hooked up and starting medication to start my contractions until around maybe 10 am. I was able to get up and move around and I was wrestless. I wasn't sure what to think about not having my mom or sister with me. I wasn't sure if I was even aloud of of my room to walk around. I told Jake as much as I especially wanted my mom there it was nice to have just him and I together. It was a special moment just for the 2 of us.
We watched a lot of movies it seemed like. I was progressing well. Baby was still "floating" for awhile. They came in every couple hours to up my medication to keep my contractions going nice and strong. I was able to manage them very well. They just felt like very mild cramps thankfully. They actually ended up backing off on the medication because the contractions were coming in too fast and strong. Once they did that they broke my water. I was expecting to feel a lot more pain with my contractions once they did that but I was fine for quite some time.
My dr had come in a little before they broke my water and warned me that if I wanted pain meds to get them before they broke my water because an epidural would take about 30 minutes to catch up and once my water broke things would be more painful and possible start moving faster. I told her I was okay and I would think about it. I really didn't want to do an epidural as for me the side effects a day or two after really did me in and if I was going to do any pain medication I was going to try different options that they had. I also told Jake I wanted to try and go as long as I could without any. Of course his response was the same as my dad's was for all the other kids...."Don't be a hero!"
Around 7 pm I started to really feel my contractions. As Jake would say, I was sitting on an exercise ball talking about the movie we were watching and then when he asked another question and I didn't answer he said he could tell by how I was leaning on my bed I was in pain. Once Jake realized this and asked if I was okay, I tried to utter, " I just don't want the side effects of the epidural!" So we asked the nurse for the "laughing" gas option. By the time she got back my pain was even worse and I said, "forget it just get me the epidural." It was perfect timing because the dr was on the floor doing rounds to other laboring moms. I told Jake and my nurse I needed to go to the bathroom really bad, so hunched in half Jake and the nurse helped me to the bathroom to go. Jake was standing with me in the bathroom and I said, " I have to push. I have to pee but I really have to push!" Jake replied (my favorite part of the whole labor!) "Well DON'T DO THAT!" as he ran out of the room to get the nurse. The nurse I had also had a nurse she was training so the both came in. My main nurse helped me and coached me to get back to my bed so she could check me. She got me to the end of my bed enough to check how far along I was. I was 7 cm. She kept telling me to breathe and that I had plenty of time to get the epidural. I remember wondering what was taking him so long. They kept saying it was at the desk, well what the heck was he doing there, he should be in here getting me ready for my epidural. (Don't mess with an unmediated laboring mom 😂) While I was asking why he wasn't coming in faster the nurses worked to move me around on the bed to get ready for the epidural. Of course you have to sign consent for the epidural and the dr was trying to talk to me about it and to sign it. Well there was no way I was going to be able to breathe through my pain enough to sign that thing. He was a great dr, I had him with Sadie and I never once felt him do the procedure, but I opened my eyes and I said, " I HAVE TO PUSH NOW!!!!!" So he stepped aside so my nurse could check me again, and all I remember her saying was, "We're having a baby!" The dr took off out of my room so fast! They called for the labor team to come in my room. My dr the resident and other nurses came in. My dr was a little confused why the room wasn't set up and ready and my nurse had to explain not 5 minutes prior I was only a 7.
The delivery team got me back up on the bed enough to start pushing. Not maybe 3 contractions worth of pushes was little Miss Madison Margaret Brower born at 7:58 pm. They set her on my chest for a hot second and tried to stimulate her to cry. Eventually they took her from me and put her on the warmer. They weighed her and got her length. 8lbs on the dot and 20 inches long. Her poor little face was very swollen and bruised from coming so fast! She was also a little stunned because of coming so fast, so they had her on some oxygen for a little bit.
I look back on her birth and cannot believe what her and I went through but then also during a pandemic. The day after she was born, Jake and I were snuggling her and watching the news. Not only could we not have any visitors come see the baby at the hospital, but now we were put under a stay at home order now. We weren't going to be able to have any visitors at our house even.
I had this all written out a few weeks after she was born, but of course my computer died and it didn't save half of it before hand, so now I'm here 2.5 months out from her birth. Looking back on everything and what I'm going to be telling her when she gets older. We just missed the point where even the patients had to wear a mask while having a baby, which I am beyond thankful for because during the labor I had I'm not sure what I would have done having to remember to put that on. I'm also thankful that Jake was aloud in the hospital room with me. I had great nurses, espeically in the end, my one nurse specifically coached me through so much that and I really needed her to get me through it, but if I wouldn't have had Jake, I probably wouldn't have made it through without him.
This is a place I want to always be very transparent with you guys and this is where it's going to get real. When Jake and I first got married, I wanted 4 kids 2 boys 2 girls, boy, girl, boy, girl so each girl had a big brother to protect her. Jake on the other hand wanted to talk after 1, but maybe have 2. See he comes from just him and his brother, and on his moms side he only has 2 cousins, and on his dads side he only has 2 cousins. I came from 4 siblings (I only had 1 in the house full time growing up) but on my moms side I had 6 cousins, and on my dads side I had 16 cousins (that's just 1st cousins!). So I knew I wanted a big family, but Jake wasn't totally sure. Then came time to start trying for kids. It took us over a year to get pregnant and then we lost the baby at only 9 weeks. It was around when we lost the baby that I decided I wanted to have 5 kids instead of 4. Not really sure why the change but there was a change in me. When I brought it up to Jake I thought for sure he'd laugh at me. I remember the conversation very clearly. We were in the car, and he looked over at me and said, I want 5 kids too. So that's when we decided we wanted to have 5 kids. We tried for a couple more months and still hadn't gotten pregnant yet when we finally went to the fertility clinic and long story short we got pregnant with Sawyer. We always said when our kids were 1 we'd start trying again, but since it took us so long we'd start earlier than that because we'd probably need help again....HA! God laughed at us and 6 months after Sawyer was born we were pregnant with Sadie. 9 months after Sadie we were pregnant with Beau, and 9 months after Beau we were pregnant with Madison. I enjoy how close our kids are. Most people would call us crazy. I know right now its hard, but it will get easier once they're older. But since having Madi, the conversation of being done as been tossed around. I get emotional every time I talk about it. There are days I think okay next year when were out of the "baby" phase this will be so nice. No more real feeding schedules and nap schedules we can pick up and just go. We have 2 of each, 2 in each bedroom, and we could have the toy room as a hangout room for when the kids get bigger. But then there are days that I am angry. I feel cheated. I feel like I missed so much I wanted to have with our last baby. I really wanted to have a photographer for in the delivery room for my last baby. I wanted my mom and sister in the room with me while i delivered. I wanted to have visitors come to the hospital. I wanted the other things to come to the hospital to visit their new baby sister/brother. I wanted to get newborn pictures taken. I wanted to have friends be able to come over and snuggle the baby. I feel cheated. I haven't been able to really get over that yet. We've talked just waiting longer between the next (if there is a next) and Madi, or adoption. But I also know the farther between Madi and another baby the less likely I'm going to want to go back to the baby phase. I was hoping for a day and night sign that I was ready to be done having kids and I have yet to see that. There are so many more factors to not wanting to have another and they're from very little tiny stupid reasons, to rather big ones. I also know that Madi is also only 2 months old, but I was hoping I'd have that I'm done feeling by the time I had her. So since having Madison, I've been so torn and confused of what God wants from me. If he wants me to have another baby, if he wants us to adopt, or even just foster care which has floated around in my head too, but those who really know me, know just like animals I'd want to save them all and want to keep them all. I would have a hard time being a temp parent to a child in foster care, but if it's something God wants from me then I cannot ignore his calling. Right? Well until the day comes that God gives me a clear answer of what he wants me to do, I am doing the only thing I can do. Continue to pray about it all and continue to work on my emotions and my anger about everything that has gone on. To remember that it is okay to be upset and angry but to also know that it is something out of my control, and I need to put it all in God's hands.
I know I'm not the only person affected by all this crazy Covid - 19 stuff going on. I know I'm not the only mom to have a baby during this pandemic, so I want to all of you to know I'm praying for you. If you have a specific prayer request let me know. Remember that it is okay to be upset, and confused but also remember God is in control of it all.
Dear Lord,
Please hear my prayer, and the prayers of all the others that are affected by all of the craziness in the world. Please put their hand on them and let them they are not alone. If there is anyone out there struggling with the unknown, or where to turn or what your path for them is, please give them guidance.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
xoxo,
Britt
No comments