I'm normally one that has to get up right away get the kids fed, make my bed, get in the shower, clean up the house quick and then play inside or head outside if its not so hot that you'll melt away in all of 30 seconds. But ever since Jake went back to work on Saturday from his vacation, its been hard for me to have an motivation. Sunday was the only day I've gotten ready since he went back. I didn't even make it to the shower this morning. I got up, took care of the dogs and chickens, started some laundry, only really because Sadie wet her bed yet again last night, made my bed and forced the kids outside. The house is a total train wreck. The dish washer is clean but dishes are full in the sink, there's no sippy cups left for the kids, and no clean forks in the drawer. Toys are all over the living room yet again and the dryer is full of clean clothes along with a whole clean laundry basket that's waiting to be folded. There's about 7 crochet projects floating around between my bedroom and living room that are taunting me to get them done, along with the mess in my laundry room, where all my sewing and crochet stuff is supposed to be yet it seems that's where everything else goes until I finally can't take it anymore and going through it all again and put it all where it actually belongs. Even with all of that I just couldn't pull myself to even empty the dishwasher. Like I said I forced the kids outside right away when we all got up. I even made them eat out there. I brought my Bible, devotion and a crochet project with me. I'm not sure if it was just because it was so hot, or because they knew I woke up in a bad mood, but the kids wouldn't even go play. They were at my feet bugging about everything and anything. I wanted to spend just a few minutes in my devotions as I left church yesterday and it was one of those Sunday's that really pulled at me and that I needed to hear, and left me wanting more and I wanted to do more than I normally do. But even trying to do a quick little devotion time was a chore for me and making me grumpy. I thought once we went outside the kids would go play nice and I'd have a little time to myself but while trying to read I was begged for "real" chocolate milk about 10 different times. I finally said enough was enough even though it was only 12 and said it was time for a nap. I decided to try and take a nap myself.
Of course when you think you're going to take a nap you've got a perfect vision in your head of all the kids sleeping and you'll wake up refreshed and ready to go, well of course on a day like today that was not the case at all. After about 30 minutes of laying on the couch I was rudely awaken by Sawyer shoving his underwear in my face because they were inside out and he couldn't get the back on. Another 20 minutes later I am woken up by him giving me his flash light that he unscrewed and couldn't get it back together. I think the only kid that actual took a nap today was Beau. I could hear Sadie playing in her room and when I went upstairs after I woke up from my nap, Sawyer was in the toy room with toys all over. Not at all how I was expecting it to go.
After dinner, I gave Sawyer a haircut, a bath and put him to bed while Jake had put the other 2 to bed. When I laid Sawyer down he asked me to lay with him. I asked him why he needed me to. He had his buddies and his blanket, he was fine. He asked me again, and said he just wanted me to snuggle. I finally gave in and said okay and I laid there with him. He kept looking up and me and grabbing my arm that I had around him. I started to stoke his face and I as looking at him and had this flash back to 4 years ago. This time 4 years ago I wasn't quite 20 weeks pregnant with him. but I remember it like it was yesterday. While looking at him I was having these flash backs to when he was first laid on my chest as a little 8 lb 7 oz little babe. I was thinking about how I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. He was all I ever wanted. All I can ever remember in life was wanting to be a mom. Looking back on those times, I never thought about the bad days. I always just was thinking about being called mom, snuggling those babes, having them run into your arms for everything. Thinking about those days when they wanted to snuggle in bed with you for just a few minutes longer. I remember the longing I had when before I got pregnant with Sawyer and then once I was pregnant with him. How I wanted nothing but to have a baby in my arms. Now I have a 3.5 year old laying in my arms, holding my arm and looking at me. That's when it hit him hard. He might be growing up but he still is looking to me like he did when he was that tiny little baby. He still needs me. Even though today was for me a rough day, and I may have yelled more than I should have, and gotten upset over things that weren't even taking a second thought about. Running all of this through my head had me in tears laying with my baby. Life is going by so fast and he's growing up so much faster than you realize they do. With all of this rushing through my head while laying with Sawyer, I realize that even on days like today they still need their mommy and they don't realize that you're having a bad day.
You wake up and see a mess of a house and laundry that needs to be folded and put away. You can tell you're grump and need a new start to the day, but what they see is their mom as the most important person in their life. They might hear you getting upset, but they forget it within the next 30 seconds because you're letting them eat a popsicle for breakfast this morning. And at the end of the day, they had the best day because they spent it with you. So be easy on yourself Momma. You're aloud to have those bad days. You're human, and even on your worst days those littles will always look at you like you're the best person in the whole world. You are their world. It's only you judging yourself, so go easy on yourself.
I want to say a prayer for all the momma's out there that are going through a rough time. I pray that they easy up on themselves and realize that you are equipping them daily to handle everything that is going on in their life. Even if they wake up grumpy and not sure why they are that the give themselves grace. Give them the strength to ask for help if they really need the help, and to realize that it's okay to take a mommy time out. Most of all I pray that in the tough and easy times they turn to you. Bless these momma's daily. We love you, in Jesus name,
Amen.
xo,
Brittany
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