Just before Jake and I got married I slightly started noticing my anxiety but not as much as I did about 6 months after we got married. I went back to work after a week vacation and I felt like I knew nothing and I was so self conscious about everything I was wearing. I'd try and get my hair cut or colored to change my outward appearance. Or I'd go shopping and try and find new clothes to change how I looked but nothing seemed to change my opinion of myself. I'd have anxiety going out anywhere with anyone I knew because I was constantly comparing myself to who I was going out with, and running all the different ways in my head that I thought they might be judging me. Lets be honest, I STILL do this! I do it daily.
About 2 weeks ago now, I had such a dark day with anxiety and self-worth? I don't call it depression as I don't have a loss on interest in the things that bringing me joy, I don't feel like I'm sad, because I'm very happy with the people I have in my life, but maybe it is. It wasn't so much of a anxious feeling but a feeling of anyway I look at myself, I didn't like it. From mother stand point, a wife, and even personally. No way I looked at myself was I happy with what I was looking at or thinking about.
When we had Sadie and Beau, Jake made me promise that if I started having feelings like I did with Sawyer (postpartum depression, anxiety and OCD) that I would talk to him. Which if anyone knows me that's very very hard for me. I can sit and type out my feelings in a blog post but it is so hard for me to open up even to my husband in person and say what I'm feeling. I feel stupid, I feel weird, and I cannot find the words I want to say, or how to put the words on my heart into actual words to speak. But finally the other day when I had my really dark day I finally texted Jake,
" I'm not doing good"
"What do you mean?"
"Mentally, Emotionally"
"Why"
"Multiple reasons. I haven't been for awhile but I"m hitting a point I can't handle it. I"m upping my meds but I wanted to tell you. You told me to tell you."
"What can I do to help?"
"Nothing."
"Is there something that is causing it? Are you made at me now?"
"No I"m not mad, a lot of things. School, kids, just my life its hard to explain. Even stuff like my weight, my look on myself. Everything plays into it."
Even what I said to Jake in that text message was hard for me to actually do. I remember being in tears when I typed out exactly what was bothering me and getting to me. That night Jake and I went to a quick dinner by ourselves to talk. Even though I had typed it to Jake and we were going out to talk, I still had a hard time really telling him and talking about what was going on. I mean how do you get all these words and emotions out when you don't even know how to figure them out in your head?That coming Saturday I had a Tea Party for Young Lives, that a women who is in my Life group from church had invited me to. I really had no idea what it was going to entail other than information on what Young Lives was all about and to help raise money to send these Young moms and their babies to camp this summer. Little did I know it was going to be exactly what I needed. I saw this women who was dressed in a tutu and high heels and I had no idea she was about to get up and talk about self-image, and it was everything I needed to hear.
She walked up there and started to explain how growing up her mom, and her mom's 2 best friends had a "tea party" once a month and then one fancy one at least once a year. She talked about how her mom collected tea pots and glasses and that each and every single one is different. Different shapes, sizes, colors, paintings on the sides and stories behind them. How in the world does that have to do with self image? I wondered the same exact thing. She continued on that we are each like a tea cup. We are all different shapes, sizes, colors! God created all of us differently. He created us to be exactly the person we are. Stick with me for just a minute. I know you have heard this your whole life and all the time but she said it in a different way that I never had heard it before.
Take myself and my sister in law Emily, for example. I have brown eyes, naturally curly brown hair that I straighten daily, that is also very fine and thin. A small patch on grey in my part line. I'm 5'3" with some tummy leftovers from having 4 pregnancies in 4 years, 3 full term babies carried. I have a big smile with larger front 4 teeth. I have 3 dimples. A rounder face with chunkier cheeks and very naturally red cheeks.
Emily is 5'5" with an hourglass figure, a more oval shaped face. Brown eyes, brown hair that's naturally curly, and curly most days, that is very thick and coarse. She has blonde high lights in her hair. She has a big smile with smaller teeth (than me). She also has dimples, and freckles on her cheeks and nose, with skin that's very clear, smooth, and blemish free.
Now if I sat and compared myself to Emily every single day and saying, I wanted to be taller like her. Or I want to be skinnier like her, I need to get a perm in my hair to get the curl back so it looks like Emily's hair. Or I need to go figure out my skin so its not all bumpy and red on my cheeks and nice and smooth like Emily's. And if I acted out on some of that, or even tried to dress the same as her, or do my make up the same as hers, I would always be a second best to her, as I will never be her. I will never have the same eyes, hair, skin, body, anything as she does and that's because God made Emily to be Emily and me to be me. This goes with anyone you look at in your life. Is there an IG influencer that you look up to and wish you could look just like? How about a model, a TV actor or actress, or a professional athlete, maybe its even your best friend, sister, or even mom!? ( I cannot be the only one that as a little girl watching their mom get ready and wanting to be exactly like her and look just like her! I remember telling my mom, " When I get older, I want to do my hair just like you do!" Com'n I cannot be the only one!) No matter what it is in your life you will never measure up to the standards in your head of who you want to be like because you will always come in second to that person.
When she spoke those words at the tea party I got chills and was about in tears. My WHOLE life I have done this (and still do this!) Like I said in my description of myself I described that I have left overs from having 4 pregnancies and 3 full term ones. I mentioned that on purpose. I mentioned it purpose because when I was pregnant with Sawyer, I had no stretch marks and I had lost weight and was very comfortable and felt great about everything. I was the most comfortable in my body than I have ever been in my life. The day after I delivered Sawyer, I went into the bathroom to take a shower and all I saw in the mirror was this HORRID body that I didn't recognize. I had stretch marks all over my stomach, my sides, my legs! I was so sickened by what I was looking at in the mirror. Eventually I got to about 5 lbs to be back to where I was before Sawyer, still not where I wanted to be, but it was something. I still hated what I looked like. I had no clothes that fit me besides my maternity clothes. Something else that didn't help was I remembered my Dr. making some sort of comment when I was pregnant with Sawyer about how she gained weight on her maternity leave, or didn't lose weight so by the time 6 or 8 weeks post she was still in her maternity clothes. That was so stuck in my head I couldn't shake that comment. Then next thing I know we were wonderfully surprised by becoming pregnant with Sadie sooner than we were expecting! I already wasn't comfortable in my body and now I'm pregnant again and this time I gained all kinds of weight and didn't lose weight like I did with Sawyer. And I had a PA make comments about how much weight I was gaining from appointment to appointment. Again something that stuck to me like the wet piece of toilet paper that sticks to your shoe in the public bathroom, and follows you around everywhere until something gives you a hand. During my whole pregnancy with Sadie I was self-conscious of how big I was. I sat and compared myself to ever other pregnant momma out there. I wanted to be that cute momma with the little belly. The one who looked like she was only 20 weeks at 30 weeks and had gained no weight anywhere else and knew my body would bounce back to what it was before this baby. I wanted to wear the XS maternity clothes instead of the Medium, Large or even Extra Large ones.
Just a few days before this tea party, I was looking in my full body mirror trying to figure out how to take a good picture of me that I actually liked to post for my blog, and Instagram page for the blog. Needless to say I didn't get that picture. I don't even think I took a picture. I hated every position I stood,, and forget sitting down. That was the day that I finally texted Jake in tears saying that I wasn't in a good place mentally. Talking to Jake that night helped for the time being. I explained to him that I see other women in my life, or just on social media who have curves and rock them and have the confidence that I wish I could have, and tell myself when I wake up in the morning that I'm going to rock the body I have. I'm going to keep eating healthy and doing what I can with walking outside and just moving more at home to help me to just keep feeling good. Then there are days that I wish I could just change everything I see in the mirror. Get rid of the extra tummy from having babies, all the stretch marks from having them. My eye that won't close when I smile. Everything.
The day of the tea party, my anxiety was high as I had no idea what I was getting myself into and what I was supposed to wear and if I was going to know anyone there. When I walked in and saw this girl in a tutu and 5 inch heals, I thought for sure I was way under dressed. Here I was in a, go figure, maternity tank with a cardigan, blue jeans and my converse sneakers. I sat at my table only knowing a couple of the women and still feeling a little uncomfortable in my own skin. Then I watch this lady walk up and speak all the words I didn't know I really needed.
Not only did this women sit and explain to us that each one of us like our tea cups and different from the one next to it, but that everything we have is something God made. God made all of us in his image. God is perfect and everything God makes is perfect so if we are saying that our smile isn't good enough, or our tummy's aren't flat enough we're saying that God made a mistake and that just isn't true because God is perfect and makes no mistakes.
Don't take away from the fact that I do believe you need to take care of yourself and be healthy and eat healthy. It is a huge part that you need to do in your life for many reasons, but it doesn't mean while you're working on feeling healthier and feeling more comfortable in your skin, that you cannot love yourself and remember that you are beautiful. You are perfect the way your are. God made yo exactly how you are made to be and you need to remember that God doesn't make mistakes.
Since the tea party I have worked hard on myself and telling myself that I am beautiful in the skin I am no matter what. This isn't something that changed overnight, nor can I say that it's something I still struggle with daily, but from that day forward, I promised myself that I wouldn't continue to beat myself up on every little thing and become confident while I work on me and figuring out where I feel comfortable again and to stop comparing myself to anyone because I will never measure up to them.
Dear Lord,
Today I want you to thank you for each one of the beautiful women who are reading this. Thank you for each one that is struggling and looking for the identity. I pray that they find their identity and security in you. I pray that they know you created them in your image and know how many hairs are on their head and that you don't mistakes. That you made them perfect exactly the way they are. I pray they learn to not sit and compare themselves to others and know that they are the perfect and best them that there ever will be. Please bless them and keep them and show them your love.
Amen.
xo,
Brittany
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