Insecure, but Who is Your security in?

Today was one of those days.  The kids weren't naughty per say, but when i was trying to do laundry Sawyer has all the clean clothes all over the living room playing in them. Beau seems to not stop crying when he's awake. I feed him, change him, lay him down, and he cries. Then there's Sadie who is still not talking and that itself is frustrating, and she's whiny about something just about all day but I'm not sure what and I've had just about enough of it all come dinner time and I'm ready for bed. I also cannot wait for Jake to come home. In thoughts that he should just come swoop in and save the day and take the kids from me so I can just have 5 minutes to myself. But in reality he's been dealing with the same thing all day at work.  I've talked about this with the women in my bible study before.  How us women just expect our men to come in and save our day and take the kids, that their drive home from work is enough time for them to decompress his day to come home and just take over.

Tonight I wasn't totally expecting that, but I just wanted everything to just stop. I wanted the whining, crying, and not listening to just stop! Even the dog I just wanted everyone to just shut up! I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this from time to time. I knew Jake knew something was off today, and was trying to help me figure things out. While finishing eating dinner, Jake started looking in our junk drawer for something. Even knowing that it drives him nuts, I asked what he was looking for, as I'm sure I can help him find whatever he's looking for faster if he just tells me, again I'm sure I'm not the only one that's like this. And I'm sure if I went into his barn he'd do the same thing as he knows where all his stuff is out there just like I know where everything in the house is! Finally, as I noticed he didn't find what he was looking for, while giggling said, the lighter is up in the upper cupboard on the bakers kitchen, by Beau's food. He started doing his own thing while I'm drowning myself in mom guilt now staring at my kids getting along nicely on my bed, while Sawyer plays some number game on his Leapfrog tablet. I turn around to start cleaning up dinner, and Jake comes around the corner and says to go take a bath, lock yourself in there and no phone. I walk in and there is 3 candles lit around the tub and I grabbed the new book I got for Christmas, that I haven't started yet. "So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us" by Beth Moore.  The moment I sank down in the bath tub, I could hear Beau crying, Sadie talking and whining and I just wanted to jump out of the tub. Instead I opened my book, and it was exactly what I needed. The whole first chapter was about women putting their security in men. 

I want to say this first before I go any further.  Jake is my best friend and has been since 2012. He is my person, my soul mate, and the only one I can put all my trust in and tell everything and anything to and know he is always there beside me (besides my parents of course).  Jake is the only one that can make me laugh the way he does, or make me safe the way he feels. But with that being said, I cannot rely on him to always be able to be there for me and be able to fathom what I'm going through, and be able to take the burden on of everything that's on my mind, or to "save the day".

 

That being said, reading this book made me think. Just over a year ago, Jake was in a bad car accident. He hit a patch of black ice and lost control of his truck and flipped it after hitting a tree. As he had the best outcome of the whole situation as if he were just a few inches to the left he would have it the tree straight on, or if he was a few inches to the right he would have gone straight into the cement bottom of a barn. Either way would have been way worse, to the point that Jake might not have been here today if that was the case.  At the time I was just pregnant with our 3rd babe, Beau. Even up until last night I was thinking about what I'd be like if Jake was gone.  How would my life be if that accident would have gone a different way.  I kept thinking to myself that I wouldn't have been able to carry on. Especially with my anxiety I find myself leaning on Jake with everything.  He is my security and I couldn't ever imagine my life without him.  Which  yes is all true, but if something would have happened to him, I would have had to figured out how to not lean on him with everything. I wouldn't have someone who would help me on the days that Sawyer is throwing his worst fit and being so disrespectful that I just want to lock him in his room until he comes out an adult (joking obviously I'd never do that but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about). I would finding the time to have some peace while the chaos in my house just keeps going around. I would have to figure out how to explain to our children where their daddy as while holding it all together. Also, I'd have to figure out how to find my identity without a husband, physically and emotionally. Beth Moore explains it well that we expect to find all our security in men, even as teenagers who are just starting to date, all the way into our older ages. I'm not talking about being "strong", or not grieving if something like that has happened to you. I'm talking knowing who your security is in.  As much as Jake is my best friend, my better half and soul mate my security cannot be in him.  As much as I love him and how he takes care of me with filling a hot bath with candles and telling me to lock myself in there for some time even without my phone I have to know that my security is not in him. 

 

My security needs to come from God. As I'm having a pretty rough and dark week this week with anxiety (and I'm sure some is still postpartum as well) this book hit me.  As I have this I need Jake to come save me feeling when 5/5:30 pm comes around when I should be finding myself in the word when I'm having these feelings. Normally I start my week with church and every other Sunday with our life group and that always sets my week on straight but this past Sunday we went to Monster Jam with Sawyer. As fun as that was and it was much needed time with just Sawyer, I missed my reset button. I look forward to church every Sunday and even more life group on the Sundays we have it. I feel like I get my bucket replenished. As I know I should be filling my bucket on my own every day by getting into the word with a Bible study its a habit I have to make especially with 3 young kids. Especially if I find my security in God, I need to make sure that I'm finding it daily and at all times of the day not just days I struggle. 

Yes my husband was put into my life for a reason, and he is my earthly security and I don't want to ever figure out life without him, but I do know that I need to daily find my security in God and that he is the only thing that will always make me whole. All of my insecurities can be solved by one thing and that is Jesus Christ. 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Tonight I pray for each and ever person out there who is looking for their security and not finding it in the corners of their life they are looking. For those who are putting it all on a male or female person in their life. I pray that everyone finds their security and peace in you and that they know that you are always there for them. There to pick up all the pieces, to listen and to care for them. I pray that you  show each one of them how much you care and love in their daily lives and that they find their security in you even in the hardest and darkest days.  

Amen.

xo,

Brittany